#tbh i wish retroactively that id focused more on just the ship bc otherwise i end up talking abt a lot of the politics side of ga

[everythingsinred]

Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: Mikan (pt. 31)

Today we'll get to the end of Mikan's Very Bad Day, an arc that hasn't shown us much happiness and won't start now. It can always get worse! There's a bit of NatsuMikan to hold us over though, so not everything is gray and gloomy.

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Chapter One Hundred and Thirty-Five

As Mikan and Ruka approach the agreed-upon rendezvous spot, Mikan sends more telepathic assurances to her mother, her desire to see her, her wish for her to stay safe. She also seems to connect telepathically with Natsume for a moment, hearing him call her name.

Unfortunately, they’re ambushed by pursuers which neither of them is prepared to take on. Mikan’s alices are not particularly offensive and Ruka dislikes using animals for violence, even if he weren’t absolutely exhausted by the use of the foreign barrier alice, which isn’t powerful enough to ward off so many attacks at once.

Thankfully, they have a savior, and when they teleport one more time, they can see him, covered in cuts and bruises and wounds, standing over a pile of enemies: Natsume.

Love.

She calls out to him, because even though she’s happy to see him again when she thought she’d never see him again, she still has no clue why he’d be here when he’s supposed to be with Tono and Tsubasa.

They can’t be together forever like they want. They can’t avoid being separated. But he’ll always protect her. 

Mikan isn't a supporter of violence. We will see the extent to this belief later when she talks with Persona. She's protested the physical hurting of others, even in self-defense, preferring escape over fighting. And Natsume is covered in wounds, standing over the fallen bodies of their enemies, all for her sake, and instead of scolding him or demanding to know what happened, she is filled with affection, with love. Everything Natsume has done tonight has been an act of love for her, including this, and she knows it.

He calls out to her too and she rushes into his arms. Who cares why he’s here? Who cares what he's just done? He’s here. He's alive.

She embraces him, wounds and all, surrounded by bodies on all sides, despite the blood. What he's done has never mattered less. All she cares about is that she can see him again. She doesn't want to be separated from him, doesn't want to leave him. She loves him.

This is perhaps the first time that Mikan initiates an affectionate touch with Natsume. He's usually the one leading in their relationship, both with verbalizing his feelings and with physical touch (and this will be important later, too). Mikan has held back, through her fear of Natsume not reciprocating, of him laughing at her, and also her refusal to accept her own love for him. Now she knows she loves him and he loves her, and they might not ever see each other again.

This hug is the best ever.

He knows now and she knows now and in any other story this would be a happy moment, a moment when they can finally be together. Instead, it only tastes bittersweet: reciprocated feelings that they can’t do anything with. This is still a good-bye.

And he promises not to leave her side until the very last moment and Mikan, again keeping her thoughts unspoken, agrees. “Me too.” Again, “I don’t want to be apart from Natsume.” She doesn’t say it out loud even though he just did. She keeps it all to herself because this moment is already painful enough, and I think saying it would just make it all the heavier.

Chapter One Hundred and Thirty-Six

After a very long night, Mikan and Yuka have finally reunited. They call out to each other. Mikan has seen everything. She knows everything now. They might have communicated a little through the telepathy, but Yuka is still hesitant. She still remembers that Mikan swore never to forgive her, that she refused to leave with her. She stays still.

It’s Mikan who rushes forward, who embraces her, who reassures her that she loves her too. And, finally, Yuka hugs her daughter too. Mikan says everything she’s been anxious to say all night: she’s missed her, she’s sorry, she loves her, she wants to go with her, and that they’ll always be together from now on. 

She does say “I love you,” to her mother.

Mikan will lead the way in her relationship with Yuka because Yuka is still hesitant and nervous. She usually leads in her relationships. She's rarely led with Natsume...

(Further proof that it’s different. She said it to Hotaru because she’s said it often to Hotaru and always meant it. She says it now to her mom because Yuka needs to hear it and because this is the start of something, not the end. She didn’t say it to Natsume because it is the end, and she doesn’t know how to cope with that loss, something she’s resisted this whole manga. Her love for Natsume is simply different, scarier maybe than the other kinds, which is why it's harder for her to actually say it out loud.)

They are confronted by Luna and the fuukitai, leading to a further chase. Mikan wishes Yuka and Luna would make up, that they could rekindle their friendship. Somewhere, in Mikan’s head, she still believes that happy endings can and should happen, that things can work out, that burnt bridges can be rebuilt, that she and her mother can live a happy life together, that things will work out, that a sick boy won’t die before she can see him again. But things don’t work out that way most of the time. Tonight is no exception; sometimes things suck.

This is so amusing to me. Everything is about Natsume.

Despite all the attacks, Natsume keeps his promise and protects Mikan. Even though she is initially attacked with Narumi holding her, Natsume is the one she gravitates toward. His is the hand she holds. Together, they move on, not letting go of each other. Mikan internally mourns the inevitable farewell. She will have to say good-bye to everyone, will have to come to terms that they can’t all accompany her and her mother outside. But she is comforted by Ruka’s reassurance that Natsume will find her again, no matter what. 

But Mikan wants her happy ending, and nothing she chooses will lead to that. She must come to terms with the fact that this ending will be bittersweet and can’t be anything else. She will be with her mother but will leave all her friends. This is the end of those fond happy times she wishes she could go back to. 

Tsubasa arrives with the key, finally giving Yuka and Mikan the means to leave safely together. It’s time, and the good-byes will be quick again because there won’t be long before they get sucked away into the warp hole. The moment goes by slowly, but it does go, and when it does, it’s not any good.

Chapter One Hundred and Thirty-Seven

The door explodes and rubble flies all over, catching everyone in the explosion, but only Yuka and Narumi are really injured, seeing as they were right by the door. Narumi is mostly fine and gets up without much problem, but Yuka had shielded him with her body, taking the brunt of the blast, leaving her in critical condition. Nobody watching is okay with this (including me).

Mikan runs to her mother, desperate to save her. Sweet Natsume wastes no time before he grabs his healing alice and hands it to Mikan. She quickly inserts it, but it’s not enough. Yuka wakes up, but is still clearly weak. She caresses Mikan’s face and they hug.

Even Luna is horrified and when the fuukitai scramble to help, she releases her hold on her alice to let them assist Yuka. Mikan wanted them to make up, after all.

Yuka’s last words are an apology to Luna. Then she dies.

;-;

Mikan shouts for her mother, but she doesn’t wake up again. She couldn’t save her father before, and she can’t save her mother now. Mikan loses both of her parents in one night. Loss. It’s more than a threat now. The difference is that she knew Izumi would die, although she hated that fact. She could prepare for it somehow. But Mikan hadn’t expected this, could never have anticipated this. She had been planning to stay by her mother’s side forever, for them to make a life together, to be as happy as they could living a life on the run. 

Her happy ending is crumbling.

Chapter One Hundred and Thirty-Eight

Mikan had expected a lifetime with her mom, not five minutes.

She’s not even given the chance to properly grieve before the ESP comes, proud of his work. Mikan is quickly captured by Goshima, who had disguised himself as Tsubasa. Betrayal is a theme in this chapter, where Luna realizes the ESP is capable of worse than she’d imagined, where Mikan realizes not everyone she calls friend truly is one.

Mikan is shocked by the ESP’s malice, that he intended for Yuka to die. He only needs one stealing Alice after all. She never tolerates evil, is always repulsed by it. The ESP is the worst of any villain she’s come across so far, entirely self-serving, wicked, yet powerful. He feels no remorse, not even now. And we already know Mikan can empathize with almost anyone; but not with the malicious. And this is the most malicious villain she's ever come upon.

Natsume as a villain was tough to deal with and infuriating. He was certainly capable of being dangerous and scary, but he wasn't motivated by malice, and once Mikan started to see good in him, he was no longer her villain. Reo and other Z members were willing to kidnap and trade children, but they were maybe motivated by noble prospects like defeating corrupt institutions like the Academy, which could maybe soften the extent of their evil actions. Even Persona and Luna were simply acting on orders, motivated by loyalty.

But the ESP is purely motivated by self-interest, by the desire to empower himself. If others suffer in the process of him gaining power, then that's a price he's willing to pay. And of all the villains she's come across, this is the one she cannot forgive, cannot understand, cannot empathize with. He is the worst one, the big bad, you might say.

I love a lot of characters and relationships in this manga, but NatsuMikan just drives me crazy and consumes most of my attention and energy, sorry. Though, maybe y'all relate a little since you're willing to read so much of my unhinged thoughts on them. Yikes.

The ESP doesn’t care about Mikan needing to grieve. He wants her taken to him, which spurs Natsume’s defense, because he made a promise after all. But the fire can’t reach the ESP, who is guarded by a barrier at all times. Mikan is visibly concerned with Natsume's condition since he used so much of his alice in vain. Things get worse and worse, with the ESP ordering the capture of the others too. 

Until Shiki effortlessly shatters his barrier while he gently lifts up Yuka’s body. Shiki refuses to hand over Yuka, to concede anything to him. Mikan is able to rejoin her friends, but then the academy is invaded by Z. The school is under threat now, with all the students in danger. The MSP is out of commission and the ESP must choose a successor right now to take over the barrier duty.

The ESP is faced with an ultimatum: accept Shiki’s conditions or face the destruction of the school, with Shiki leaving the school with Mikan the way Yuka had planned.

Chapter One Hundred and Thirty-Nine

Shiki’s ultimatum is harsh and even though the ESP hates it, there’s little he can do to complain. To Mikan, it seems too harsh, and if the ESP doesn’t choose quickly, the students who haven’t done anything wrong could be in serious danger. She pleads with Shiki to save the school, whether the ESP agrees to the conditions or not. For all of the academy’s corruption and danger, it’s still the place she calls home. She doesn’t want to watch it be destroyed. 

The ESP agrees to everything except for one condition. 

The next thing we see is the return of a strong barrier protecting the school, so Shiki and the ESP must have come to some sort of agreement. 

The ESP just couldn’t hand over Mikan. That was the one part he couldn’t agree to. 

Here it is, Mikan, your sacrifice.

In order to save the school and the friends she loves, Mikan sacrificed her freedom.

At the beginning of the manga, Mikan wished she could be strong, that she could be able to sacrifice something for the people she loves. Tonight, she fully realizes that dream. Even though Shiki feels like he failed Yuka and apologizes to Mikan, she only smiles and thanks him for helping the school after all. She had known before this moment that she would be saying good-bye to her friends tonight, but she didn’t know it would be like this, that she would be separated from them all while staying on the same campus, that she’d be isolated and essentially imprisoned.

On New Year's, Mikan called herself selfish for protecting her friends and getting attacked by Persona's alice. She's always wished for something like this. She's likely upset to be at the ESP's mercy, to be separated from her friends, but the ability to sacrifice herself for the good of others is something she's always wanted. In a messed up way, this is her getting a dream come true.

What did we say summer represented last year? Summer is symbolic of love, passion, and liberty, of exploration and burgeoning adulthood.

Mikan has, just in this one night, been confessed to quite a bit, witnessed her parents’ love story, acted out of love for her parents and all her friends, and even finally admitted her own love for Natsume. She has matured since last summer and is now able to make a huge sacrifice the way she’d always hoped to be able to. Perhaps, even, she’s come to realize that, despite how noble it is to sacrifice something, there’s no reason to wish for it. She’s matured a lot, even in one night, having witnessed countless traumas, including the deaths of her parents, the forced separation from her friends, and more fighting than anyone would care to see. She has given up her liberty for the sake of the school, leaving her in the ESP’s custody. This is a new beginning for Mikan, just like last year was. This one night changes everything. 

Though she will stay on the campus of the school she loves so much, she will not be able to see her friends at all and will be forced to deal with the ESP, the man who murdered both her parents and hurt everyone she cares about, often. 

But, as we all well know, it can always get worse.

Conclusion

We're finished with Mikan's Very Bad Day Arc! Though she'd anticipated a bittersweet ending for this night, it turns out things can always be worse, so "bittersweet" turns into "bad".

Going forward, Mikan will be isolated from her friends and Natsume, but that doesn't mean she's stopped thinking about them.

I hope y'all enjoyed this essay. I'm getting more and more tired with each post. I have no idea how many posts I can promise but, it's looking like it might be close to 40 total.

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